Recipes from Prison

May 27, 2004

Piper on some of the culinary magic that goes on up the hill. Bake at your own risk.

PRISON CHEESECAKE
(popular at birthday and going away parties)

Ingredients:
1 six-oz. package of Graham Crackers, Vanilla Wafers or Oreos
4-6 pats of margarine
1 round of Laughing Cow cheese (8 wedges)
4 cups of vanilla pudding
6 oz. of Coffee Mate
1/2 c. lemon juice (more to taste)

Steal the margarine from the dining hall, melt in microwave and crumble cookies into a 1-quart Tupperware dish that you've bought from the commissary or borrowed from your bunkie along with the margarine. Mix well and press firmly into the bottom of the dish. Place in the microwave on high for 1-2 minutes. Your crust is done.

In a separate dish, squash Laughing Cow cheese into as smooth a mass as possible. Mix in part of the lemon juice and continue to blend. Try to work out the lumps. Mix in pudding and continue to blend, add more lemon juice to taste. Blend until filling is as creamy as possible, then gradually mix in Coffee Mate. Some people double the Coffee Mate; this seems overboard to me. When mixture is smooth & thick, pour over the crust. Chill in your plastic washbucket filled with ice under your bed (or in a refrigerator if the part of the prison where you work has one you can slip it into), for at least 4 hours. Eat.

PIPER'S RAMEN SURPRISE
(with thanks to Ty Wenger)

Ingredients:
1 package ramen noodles, with flavor packets
1 four-oz. package tuna
1/4 - 1/2 c. squeeze cheeze
Extra Hot Picante Sauce

Cook ramen noodles in hot water until tender. Drain. Add 1/2 flavor packet, or to taste. Quickly -- while noodles are still hot -- add squeeze cheeze and toss to coat. Drain and add tuna to noodles. Add a generous amount of hot salsa and mix well. Enjoy this whenever the dining hall is serving beef.

Coming soon: Chilaquiles

-- Baby Tees Are Sold Out! --